Who Are Toddlers?
By Terra Solecki, Secure Beginnings Class Facilitator / Educator
Black and white
Toddlers are in the process of rapidly categorizing the world around them. Categorization is essential for humans, as it allows us to make predictions in novel situations. Because toddlers are working so hard to actively create different categories from the world around them, their categories can be quite fixed—for example: Girls have long hair; boys have short hair. A hero looks like this; a villain looks like that. Giving a kiss is good; hitting is bad.
Often, toddlers are making their predictions using categories without a whole lot of nuanced information, which can cause them to make assumptions about the world that baffle us as adults.
It can be helpful to use more descriptive language with toddlers rather than simple terms. For example, instead of “Giving hugs is nice,” we can say “When you gave me a hug it made me feel loved!” which can help avoid the inflexible idea that you are nice if you give hugs, or bad if you don’t. We can also point out things that we notice about the world around us to help our toddlers expand their categories, for example “I see boys and girls having fun playing soccer!”
Ready for now and next
As babies move into toddlerhood, their capacity to both wait and anticipate things in the future becomes more developed. However, as adults, we often overestimate a toddler’s ability to do these things—a common theme in adults’ overall expectations of toddlers. Toddlers, especially young toddlers, are primarily focused on what is happening right now, and what will happen immediately next. It can be helpful to keep our communication with them about what is “now and next.”
While it is useful for adults to talk about things that happened in the past or discuss future events—such as travel plans—with young children at this stage, it is not reasonable to expect toddlers to alter their behavior in response to an event that will occur in the distant future.
Literal
Young toddlers tend to take what we say literally, so it’s important to say exactly what we mean and avoid euphemisms. For example, instead of saying, “Grandma is under the weather,” say, “Grandma’s not feeling well.” Similarly, avoid asking as a way to be polite, or to soften a directive, as your toddler will take it as a genuine question. “Are you ready to go?” when what you really mean is, “It’s time to get in the car.”
In need of extra time
Our processing speed—the time it takes to take in information and respond to it—increases as we age and develop other cognitive skills. While adults may intuitively move and speak slowly to a newborn, toddlers also experience a delay in their responses that adults often overlook. Each child’s processing speed can vary greatly (and is not strictly tied to age), and it may also change depending on the environment—for example, being asked a question in a busy classroom versus a quiet bedroom.
For a young toddler, being asked a question or given a directive may take significantly longer to process and respond to than adults typically assume. When you need to give a message to your toddler, try getting down to their level, then see if you can wait for a full ten seconds for a response.
Playful
Children learn through play—and in fact, adults do too, though we don’t often frame it that way. Toddlers move through the world through play. They are constantly examining, testing, re-testing, recreating, and, as they get older, imagining. While adults may sometimes demand a clear distinction between “playtime” and “not playtime,” for toddlers, nearly every moment is an opportunity for their important “work,” which is play. Entering into a toddler’s world of play can help in tricky moments, such as transitions. Instead of asking that they stop playing to brush teeth, instead we can wonder how kitty cats might brush their teeth!
A helpful and playful tool for supporting older toddlers when they’re dealing with longings, disappointments, or when we’ve said “no” to one of their ideas is to “wish” aloud with them. For example: “You’re really thinking about having some ice cream. I wish we had a big bowl of ice cream right now. What kind of sprinkles would you put on top?”
Some (almost always) helpful tips:
To talk about what is happening right now, and what will be happening next
Avoid using black and white terms
Avoid adding “okay?” at the end of giving instructions
Do wait 10 seconds for a response
Do offer nonverbal communication as much as possible with younger tots, or few words
Remember to have fun!