Helping Children Feel Safe
By Carol Castanon; Child & Family Consultant, Former Director of Secure Beginnings
All people experience crisis or trauma at some time in the life of their family. It may be divorce, illness, or death. Sometimes a financial crisis can have a devastating impact on the stability of family. Natural disasters, accidents, and violence may impact family at one time or another. How do families live with the intensity of these events, and then support children along the way?
The concentric circles of family and care, with the child at the center, include parents, kin, friends, faith-based practitioners, healers, teachers, therapists or counselors. Often, family work is beyond the work of one adult. Reach out to others. You are not meant to be alone.
As parents, we want our children to be happy and safe, protected from the sad and bad. This might add to our challenge, because we might think that silence or small doses of information protect children. Of course, we need a balance of information based on the age of a child. Very young children need information that is concrete and directly related to what they know about their world. They will wonder or ask: “Who is taking care of me? Where are my primary love attachments (Mom, Dad, sibling, Grandma, etc.)? Will they come back? Where is my house and where are my things? Will what happened, happen again to me or another family member?”
Older children may be able to cognitively understand issues of distance, change, and time. They might want a strategy to right a wrong. Writing letters for change, organizing walkathons or fund-raising money for cures or political action are different ways young people find empowerment through crisis. An older child, preadolescent or adolescent may be able to understand political issues around mental health care, violence and non-violence, etc. They may feel there has been an injustice, and want to make the world fair again. Finding groups that represent their concerns in the world is a way to gain control over crisis.
The common feelings in a crisis are seen in expressions of safety, attachment, stage of development and autonomy. The language we use to communicate feelings should be based on the age of the child. “I am sad. You are sad. We are sad together.” The very first and perhaps most profound message is, “I am here to listen to all your feelings, and answer all your questions as best I can. If I do not have an answer, we can try to find out together.”
When adults can talk about what a child experienced, then children are accompanied toward feeling whole, safe, and trusting. It is surprising, the very thing that brings comfort to a child is usually comforting to a grown-up. The following list encompasses strategies we can use to support children.
1. REFLECTION – Reflection, in its simplest explanation, is quite literally a mirroring of what is heard and/or or seen in another. It can be complicated because children necessarily affect the lens we see through. Reflection is not fixing, nor explaining a dilemma. It is being with the experience and the feelings of another. Children often do not want to put feeling words to an experience in times of stress. So, there is a spaciousness to holding a child without pressure to feel or experience a certain way. Expression is played out in behavior, and the adult uses their bigger, wiser, kinder eye to notice what is on the mind of the child. You might say, “I see tears. You are asking about Daddy coming home.” Reflection might be expanded to include inquiry. “Are you wondering when Daddy is coming home? Reflection might also include a bit of remembering. “I remember you asked about Daddy’s plan this morning. Are you wondering if his plan has changed? Reflection might include narrative. “You’ve been waiting for Daddy for a long time.” Children feel heard when adults reflect. This is true in adult relationships as well. Rather than layering perceptions, one is met exactly where they are. The effect is calming in times of stress. During an emergency all hands are on deck and there are likely quick decisions to be made. Reflection is done in the aftermath. Adults help children to unravel an experience, mentally and emotionally organizing the story. Crisis evokes some level of chaos. It is chaotic to be in an emergency because the nervous system’s reactive responses dominate. Its job is survival and protection. The experience and feelings in crisis might stick around for a long while. There might be residue. Eventually (quickly, or slowly) the family moves towards a calmer nervous system response. Remember time and the spaciousness of processing something difficult.
2. REASSURANCE – Stay close to your children and let them know that you are there to take care of them and keep them safe. Children worry that a scary event or the feeling around an event will repeat itself, that there will be another loss or trauma, or that something might happen to them or to their grown-ups. Point to the strategies you and other adults use to keep the family safe. This may be as simple as wearing seat belts or as complex as having a family disaster plan. Reassurance always includes with whom, where and when in the child’s plan. Proximity, being physically close, is very important to feeling safe. Calm voices, eye contact, smiles, plenty of hugs and other warm gestures provide a blanket of security. This holds true for all ages. Make sure to take extra time at bedtime to cuddle and reassure children that they are loved and safe.
Make time to talk with your children. Remember that if you are not talking with them about a family or community experience, they will still absorb information about it from silent body language, other people or possibly in community as well as world events in the media sources which are all around them. Children are very aware of their parent’s worries, especially during crises. Be mindful of what you say and what your children may overhear when you are talking with others. There may need to be a follow-up conversation to clarify information or reframe an experience to make it developmentally appropriate.
It can be uncomfortable and might be frightening for a child to experience an adult shouting or crying. When adult emotional displays have been intense, bold, and full of drama, revisit that experience later with children and in a calmer setting. They need to know the feeling vocabulary that went with the adult behavior, and they need to know that the adults will still take care of them and keep them safe to the very best of their ability. You might say, “I will take care of you even in sad, angry, and scary times.”
3. LISTEN AND OBSERVE – Acknowledgement is important in all relationships. It is deeply comforting to children when caring adults listen to their thoughts, worries, longings, and fears. In crisis, these feelings may take a long time to reveal themselves, or these feelings may be part of the dialogue together for many months ahead. Children are likely to be scared and anxious in the aftermath of a crisis. Provide a safe space for children to express their emotions. Verbally reflect back to children what you hear them say. Make room for the spaciousness of repair.
Make sure you understand their perspective surrounding an event. Often children have misunderstood or are misinformed about the unfolding past, present and future. Children often think something they did caused an experience. Is the space between what they “imagine” and what is “real” accurate? Help them to sort out and understand the details of what is true.
Use the proper language to explain the crisis. For example, if someone has cancer use the correct words to describe the part of the body that is sick. “Grandma has an illness called cancer. The cancer is in her brain. Doctors and nurses are helping Grandma. Grandma is taking a special medicine called chemotherapy.”
Observe your child. Are they comfortable being away from you or do they need to be near? Does going away and coming back feel uncertain? How are they eating, sleeping and using the bathroom? Are they playing? Play can be serious work when it is on the heels of a crisis. Play is how children work out their inner world and outer experiences. Adult observation will be very helpful when a child is pre-verbal or not wanting to talk. Based on his own experiences during his childhood, Fred Rogers recommended talking with children about helpers when there is a crisis. Helpers might be teachers, doctors or firefighters, or friends and family. Include this perspective in your dialogue or play with children regardless of their age. Here is an example of expanding a conversation about a fire or firefighter play after a fire: “Firefighters and police officers are helping, and friends are bringing food to families.” If firefighter play feels too scary you might add, “Where are those doctors who help the people? Here come the doctors!” Here’s an example of the power of play as a way of making internal sense after a crisis. After 9-11, after buildings fell to the ground, I observed teen-agers building tall block structures. The block buildings were so tall the kids were standing on tables to reach the heights they were aiming for.
When dealing with young children, be careful to appropriately answer the questions they are asking rather than giving them information they are not really asking for. Too much detail may frighten children. Ask them what they know. Ask them if they have any questions.
Tell children the truth. Don’t try to pretend the experience has not occurred or that it is not serious. Children will be more worried if they think you are too afraid to tell them what is happening. Stick to simple facts. Don’t embellish or speculate about what has happened and what might happen. Keep your explanations developmentally appropriate. Early elementary school children need brief, simple information balanced with reassurances that the daily structure of their own lives will stay the same. Upper elementary and early middle school children will be more vocal in asking questions about whether they truly are safe and how this affects them. They may need assistance separating reality from fantasy. Upper middle school and high school students will have strong and differing opinions about the cause or threats to safety in home, school or society. They will undoubtedly have concrete suggestions about how to make life safer or fairer. They might be interested in doing something to help, becoming a helper themselves. For all children, encourage them to verbalize their thoughts and feelings. Be a good listener. Or, simply reflect an experience. And, sometimes just be there.
4. RITUALS AND STRUCTURE – In the best of times, children love structure. This is how they know what has happened, what is happening now and what comes next. Even an older child can be confused when routines become unpredictable. If it is not possible to have a clear plan beyond a day, simply talk about the plan for the day. For the very young child, what is happening “now” and “next” is enough. The daily routine can be broken down to the morning plan, the afternoon plan, and the evening plan. These plans must include who is where and when they are coming back. This is reassuring for adults as well.
As time allots, create increasingly predictable routine within the day for dinner, chores, reading time, bedtime, etc. but don’t be inflexible. Children may have a hard time falling asleep at night. Tell children what is the same and what is different. Keep children informed as new plans emerge. For the preschool-age child and up, when possible, make or use a calendar. The calendar can have who, what, and where, one day to one week at a time.
For grieving families, families in harm’s way, or families with illness, remember important people with rituals. Lighting candles, saying prayers, making books, and making altars are all ways to honor those people who are dear and are in your family’s thoughts. You might say, “I have been thinking about all our friends and family. Let’s light a candle to honor them.”
5. UNDERSTANDING BEHAVIOR – This is so important. Fear or sadness can look like anger, silence, or lack of cooperation. Regression might feel overwhelming to the care-giving adults. Separation from Mom or Dad may become impossible. A simple visit to the corner store can bring outbursts of crying and screaming. If adults can look beyond the behavior to understand its function — what the child is expressing — then they might be more responsive and less reactive. When you are responsive, it tells a child you are keeping them safe even when they are anxious and sad.
It’s both hard and vital to accept a child’s full range of emotion. You might witness children in silence, or appearing indifferent to serious events. You might witness denial or anger. If a child loses control, throws or hits another – then adults need to be clear that it is ok to feel anger, sadness, or fear, but it is not okay to hurt others. Adults are there to stop them and keep them safe, always. Adults say exactly those words.
Sometimes adults worry that any regression they see is permanent. Remember it is temporary, but it is an indicator that a child has an unhealed hurt or worry. A child may wonder who will take care of them. You might say, “I have been thinking about all the sad and mad things that have happened. You have reasons to feel worried. I am here to keep you safe.”
Eating, sleeping and toileting are something to notice. Even adults can lose sleep or want to sleep more, eat too much or too little, or have stomach issues. Traumatic events live within us.
6. RELEASING TENSION AND CALMING ACTIVITIES – If possible, and when you can, stay close to and focused on your children without distraction. Observe your capacity to be fully present. Stanley Greenspan, MD, called this “Floor Time.” Magda Gerber called this “Wants Nothing Time.” Hand in Hand Parenting calls this “Stay Listening” and “Play Listening.” Giving your children full attention, without adult multi-tasking, requests or demands, is calming and connecting. This full attention time, when possible, “should” be daily – several short times a day or for one longer period. Twenty to thirty minutes of full attention daily is one of the most important ways you can give yourself to children. It tells them you are available, and they are valued. This means no computers, cell phones or other devices! Let children know that this time is theirs, and that you are not going to be distracted. Children can’t always anticipate full attention in the world of devices.
Spend extra time reading or playing quiet games with your children before bed. These activities are calming, foster a sense of security and closeness, and reinforce a sense of normal routine. Spend more time tucking them in. Be flexible around sleep because from the child’s perspective it is ultimately separation. Remember the sleep ritual because it is also comforting.
Children need a certain level of activity based on their personal preferences and internal rhythms. The child who is full of big body play may need time at a park or in nature. A body might crave the resistant force of digging, hammering, or sawing. For others, find time to read or quietly draw together. Sand, clay or play-dough can be calming tactile materials. Painting, gluing, cutting, and all means of creating are powerful non-verbal ways of settling.
Some children love making lists of what is the same and what is different. Some children love making books about where and what the family is doing, simply the story of today. All you need is paper and pencil. If this is not available, then telling the past, present or future story is just as profound. Telling the story of a life experience helps children and adults put the pieces of their experience together. It allows you to re-visit stressful experiences and for children to know that the experience is bearable.
7. TIME – Understanding time is dependent on stage of development. The order of things feels better when anticipated. Does one child understand yesterday, today and tomorrow while the other does not? The order of the day can be topsy-turvy in times of crisis. Let children know the plan for the day. Include in the plan what, where, when and with whom. The schedule is important, but who accompanies children is essential relational information. Calendars can be a great way to empower a children’s sense of time and doing. For the younger child, if possible, make a flip calendar with all the things you can count on. Then you can add the spontaneous plans with each day. Each day – morning, afternoon and evening – give a “weather report”. The weather report includes what, where, when and with whom. This message is for children of all ages.
SOME FINAL THOUGHTS ON CRISIS
Sometimes there are difficult life experiences in the constellation of family. Helping a child feel safe and seen when primary adults are feeling deeply sad, worried, scared, depressed, angry, hurt or abandoned can be hard work. It is very useful when grown-ups are aware of their own feelings and needs, and seek outside support when necessary. Taking care of your own needs is so important – including basic needs like sleep and nutrition.
Children sense and sometimes share their parent’s emotional landscape, and most certainly feel adult anger or fear. When this happens, they feel and know with every cell in their bodies that the world is not safe, or that it is uncertain – and sometimes these things are true. Children might feel they need to take care of their grown-up. They may believe that grown-ups cannot keep them safe; no safe haven here. It is with compassion and tenderness that children should be told the truth (in simple, age-appropriate ways), and that truth be guided with a thoughtful awareness of a child’s emotional development. Children need to know who the adults are that can keep them safe precisely because they are children. Primary caregivers are literally and figuratively a child’s base of security.