Building Partnership with Our Children
By Terra Solecki, Class Facilitator, Educator
When faced with challenging, upsetting, or unsafe behavior from our children, we want to respond to our children in respectful ways that build partnership. Instead, often, in the moment after something heavy has been thrown, we have been hit with the toy car, or another child has been pushed, our “gut” response can reflect our own anger, anxiety, and frustration more than our desire to respectfully communicate: “You’re going to break it!” “Ouch!” “That’s not nice!”
While the goal is to respond authentically to what is happening in the moment, it can be helpful in these moments to begin with a “script,” so that we can begin to rewrite our “gut” responses. Below are tools which can be used individually, or all together, to help direct our responses to our children to be both clear and loving.
Describe What is Happening
Another term for this is narration. This is simply describing without judgment what is happening: “I see two children holding onto the same toy,” “You and Lisa are both climbing up this ladder,” “You were both walking fast, and your bodies bumped into each other.” This gives you a moment to assess the situation without reacting. As with every other tool in this list, it also helps to organize the experience for your child. This narration provides a simple observation of the event, as much as possible without our own interpretation or judgment. This observation is crucial! In order to rewrite our gut reaction, we need to move away from our worries so that we can respond to our child’s behavior without judgment as much as possible. This does take practice to state what you see: “I see your hands on Jack’s body,” instead of what you feel: “I see you’re about to push Jack down!”
By staying neutral in our description of what we see, we are more able to see what might be behind the behavior for our child. Having an idea of what might be going on internally with our child is very helpful in utilizing the next tool.
Honor the Instinct
We, as humans, are learning throughout our entire lives through play, experimentation, and relationships, and of course this is especially true in early childhood. It is normal for children to explore the world and people around them through all their senses, including touch. Children might pull, push, stroke, pinch, kick, hug, grab, bump, as part of their exploration. This exploration includes feelings as well.
What happens when my grownup takes away an object I wanted? Anger might feel hot, like balled up fists and clenched teeth. It might feel good to bite! Of course it is not possible to let a child explore everything in these ways, for their safety and the safety of others. But before going straight to stopping a behavior, i.e. “You can’t climb on the chairs,” “You can’t throw the toy truck,” or “Stop drawing on the furniture,” we can become curious about and acknowledge the child’s need behind the behavior.
Becoming curious and observing your child with neutrality can give a clue as to what your child is needing. It gives you a moment before making decisions to ponder why they are climbing on the table for the hundredth time. Is my child needing some physical activity? Are they trying to reach something? Is this more about getting my undivided attention? Determining what need is behind the behavior guides us in how to best support our child.
Briefly describing what you see or, as we say in class, “narrating” what you see, can help build partnership with your child. This is a process of honoring the instinct.
Sometimes honoring the instinct is all that is required to support your child: “Let’s go outside so you can climb,” “Here is a ball that you can throw,” or “Here is a place that you can draw.” Often for young children, the need may be for a connection with you, and we might need to slow ourselves in order to honor that instinct for connection: “I’m going to pause the dishes for a moment. Let’s read a book together.”
Hold the Boundary
A key component of respectful communication and partnership with young children is holding boundaries. It is developmentally appropriate for young children to be unable to stop themselves. Knowing that a loving adult will help to keep them and others safe by setting the plan allows young children a sense of safety so that they can explore and play. Holding a boundary is often the clearest when it is a matter of safety: “I’m not going to let you run into the street. It’s not safe.”
It may feel difficult to find the words for other boundaries. For babies and young tots, a lengthy explanation of the “why’s” of a boundary can be unhelpful, particularly in a charged moment of setting a boundary. Brief, clear, and neutral is best in these moments.
Your toddler really wants to go outside, but you are still washing the dishes. Your baby tries to pull away your pen as you finish writing your grocery list. In these moments, look at what you are saying “no” to, and if there is a “yes” or a “next.” “I’m saying ‘no’ to holding my pen. Right now I am using the pen, but you can draw with your crayon.” “I’m saying no to going outside. Right now I’m doing the dishes, and next we will go play outside.”
Give Space for Feelings
A critical, but perhaps easier to forget step in supporting children is giving space for their feelings that arise in difficult moments. For us as adults, our child’s expression of their feelings, particularly those feelings that we as a society label as negative emotions (anger, sadness, frustration, etc.) may be difficult to tolerate. However, in order to respectfully respond to our children in moments when they need our support, it is critical to allow our children to fully express all their feelings.
Many of us have our own experiences as a child with adults dismissing or discouraging our feelings: “Don’t cry, you’re okay,” “You’re fine, you don’t need to hold that doll,” or even, “Oh no, here, I’ll fix it!” While there is value in supporting young children through and past anger, sadness, frustration, or worry, this is not done by brushing aside or ignoring these emotions. Calmly reflecting what you think your child might be feeling helps them to make sense of and understand their feelings, and helps them to feel seen and understood, an important need for kids and adults alike! “Ouch, you fell down and hurt your knee,” “You really want to play with the doll, and right now Caleb is using it,” “You look so frustrated! That jar is so hard to open!”
There may be times when giving space for feelings is best done after the fact. We are crossing the street and my child does not want to hold my hand. I hold the boundary that we need to hold hands when crossing the street for safety. My child begins to cry and attempts to pull away from me. While we are in the middle of the street is not a good time to stop and acknowledge my child’s anger and frustration. I may have to pick my child up and bring them safely across the street before I can give space for their feelings.
Another example may be when a child is too upset to be able to hear or process your reflection of their feelings. Connecting non-verbally with simply a snuggle, or by giving our child a little space and allowing them simply to cry is also a way to give space for feelings. When they are more regulated we can reflect back verbally on the event and what they were feeling. “I’m remembering when we were crossing the street and you didn’t want to hold my hand. I’m wondering if you were feeling frustrated. You wanted to cross the street all by yourself! But it’s our safety plan to hold a grownup’s hand when you cross the street.” “I’m remembering this morning when you didn’t want to leave the park. You were crying and shouting, and I picked you up and carried you to the car. It can be so hard to say goodbye to the park when you are having so much fun.”
Equally important is giving space for our own feelings and emotions! Acknowledging our own emotions and reactions helps in regulating our nervous system, which in turn helps our child regulate theirs. Stating what we are feeling, “I’m feeling really frustrated that there is crayon on the chairs!” “I’m feeling sad that our vase broke,” or “I shouted when you ran away! I was feeling worried that you might get hurt,” can move us back to a place of calm, while also modeling for our children that it is ok to have these feelings and that we can move through them.
Each of these four tools relies on connecting with our child. Slowing down, getting down to eye level with our child, utilizing touch or eye contact – as you know it is soothing or not soothing for your child – and regulating our own nervous system allows us to connect with our child first, before anything is even said. Like any skill, utilizing these tools takes practice, and even the most practiced among us have triggering moments when those tools go out the window. However, by continuing to practice we are building our own capacity to navigate difficult moments as much as we are supporting our children to navigate them.